Broken Bones
by iknowtheworldsabrokenbone
Summary: Ryden. Ryan Ross has been dealing with depression for months, as Brendon Urie reminds him of his broken childhood with his reckless drunken behavior, Ryan must finally face his feelings for Brendon.


This is my first fanfic ever, so i hope you like it (: written from the point of view of ryan, enjoy! x

It was late. Around three in the morning maybe. I had been lying still on my bed like every other night for the past month, listening to the dark silence around me. My bed was like an island, in the pitch black i couldn't see beyond it, i knew i was just in my room, but to me it felt as if i was floating in a scary dark sea, every troubling thing i could think of lay just beyond the edges of my mattress. I had been in this oblivion for weeks, wallowing in self pity. A pathetic lump of a person, i hated myself. I didn't talk any more. I was having flash backs to when i was young, the worst years of my life, and all i could think of was how this was my fault. I hadn't eaten since god knows when. All i wanted to do was lie here in the dark and bleed.

The sound of giggling drunk laughter cut through my train of thought like a knife. I had hoped he wouldn't come home tonight. He was with the others again. I closed my eyes and tried to sink further into my sheets as i heard him fumbling with his keys. Suddenly the front door clicked open and there was some drunk cheers. There were lots of loud footsteps as everyone piled into the house. My heart raced faster and faster, then i heard Pete's voice. "Oi, what do you lot think you're doing? Go home you guys!" After some complaining they reluctantly left. Finally i hear Brendon's voice. "You should go too." he slurs, i hear him trip, but he doesn't fall Pete must have caught him. They are only a few meters away from my closed door. Pete laughs, "Or i could stay over?" he says suggestively. There is a long silence and i realize Pete is kissing him. My stomach drops. "Not today. I'm sleepy." Brendon murmurs. There's a gentle thud and i picture Pete pushing him up against the wall. "Oh pleeease baby?" He says between sloppy drunk kisses. "I want you." he moans seductively. I clench my eyes closed. Make him go, i beg silently. Please make him go. "Get off." Brendon giggles. "I'll see you some other time." More silence, then the front door opens and closes. I realize i've been holding my breath and let out a sigh of relief.

After a few minutes there is a soft knock on my door. "Ryaaaaan." He mutters. "Ryan, are you awake?" His soft whisper makes me want to go to him, but then i think of the other nights. My heart beats even quicker than before. He opens the door a crack and pokes his head around. It's dark, but i can see his childish grin. I pretend to sleep but it's no good. He stumbles in and falls down on my bed. My island of solitude. I lie there still and quiet, but he knows i'm awake. Giggling he crawls up my bed until he's lying next to me, the strong smell of alcohol and smoke filling my room. He slips under the covers and starts stroking my hair. "Talk to me Ryro." He pouts. It's no use, i give in. "What?" I ask, as calmly as i can, eyes firmly closed. "I was sick." He mopes, "i'm sorry." Every time. I open my eyes. "For fucks sake." I mutter, climbing out of bed. "Don't be mad...I made pete go home." He says rubbing his eyes. He seemed different tonight. Usually he scared me. I tried to hold back the flood of memories from nights before, but some how they managed to leak into my brain.

"Hey." he stood in my door way smirking. I was lying in bed reading fight club, when he came home late one night, yet again. He had the strangest expression on his face. "Where have you been?" I asked casually, not really paying attention to his presence. This seemed like so long ago now. Before anything happened, when i wasn't afraid. "Just around." He replied, slurring his words slightly. "I missed you." He grinned menacingly. "What are you on?" I asked jokingly. "I don't know what it's called, but i feel great." He moaned in a sexual way. "Wait, you're doing drugs now?" I asked angrily, sitting up right in my bed. "Whatever." He snorted, "Don't be such a loser." His comment stung, but he didn't seem to care. He walked forward, stinking of alcohol and smoke, and crawled up my bed on all fours, staring me in the eyes smirking menacingly. "What do you think you're doing?" I asked, voice shaking slightly. He looked so different, so un-brendon like. He laughed smokily, grabbing my wrists hard and pinning me down. "Ow, that hurts! What are you playing at?" I shouted, i was a starting to worry, this was so unlike him. "Come on you know you want it too." He growled into my ear, putting one leg between mine and lying on top of me, still holding onto my wrists. I squirmed but he just held my wrists tighter, he was much stronger than i was. "This isn't funny!" I said, still clinging to the idea he might just be joking around.

After cleaning up i reluctantly go back to my room, expecting to find a passed out Brendon, covered in vomit, but instead he's lying there holding Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahnuick, one of my favorites. I stand in the door way watching him read it. My mind wanders off in to thoughts of how beautiful he is, i almost don't see him notice me. "Read to me?" He smiles, peering over the top of the worn out cover. "Like you used to?" My heart sinks a little. "It's late." I whisper. "maybe another time." He puts the book back and stares at me for a while biting his lip. I feel exposed, standing in the door way in just my boxers and a grey v-neck top. I try to hide the bruises and deep cuts on my arms, but he doesn't seem to notice. I feel my cheeks go bright red and i turn away. "Ryan," He says softly, "Don't be shy, you're beautiful." I close my eyes tight. "Am not." Quickly I glanced back at Brendon to find him looking at me in a sad kind of way. He's being nice tonight, childish and normal. I hadn't seen him like this for a while. I try not to get swept up in his words or the way he looks at me, but i do. He props himself up on his elbow. "You look like a porcelain doll." He smiles leaning over the edge of the bed and pulling me towards him. "So flawless and fragile." Kneeling on the bed he rests his head on my chest and starts playing with my finger tips. I pull away sharply. "If you like me so much then why do you keep going off with those guys?" I asked quickly. Brendon sank down into the bed. "I don't know. You...you always pull away from me." he muttered softly, not making eye contact. I felt like i'd been too harsh. "You're so public." I said quietly. "Everything is on show with you...the way i feel about you...this isn't just some game to me...i can't help but feel it's just for the audience." I was pouring my heart out and i couldn't stop. Maybe this is what i needed. "You don't think I need you?" he said softly, looking up into my eyes. Those big brown puppy dog eyes always got me. My voice caught in my throat, I swallowed hard. "Need me?" I whispered, my voice shaking. He'd never said that to me before. I'd never seen so much love and want in his eyes. The words nearly brought me to tears. How did i know this wasn't just drunk rambling? I guess i didn't know for sure, but something about his eyes seemed sober. He'd caught me off guard and I didn't know how to react. He turned away, hiding his face. "You say that, but now you can't even look at me." I moaned gently, almost desperate. "What about the other nights?" I asked after a long silence, touching the non-selfinflicted bruises on my wrists and upper arms defensively.

Suddenly brendon noticed my wounded arms. "Ryan..." he called quietly, tears forming in his eyes, the idea that i could be hurt always immediately brought him to tears. "what happened to you?" he cautiously reached for my arm and took me by the wrist. I flinched and looked away, knowing there was no use trying to struggle. He traced the jagged lines across my arms with his finger tips, carefully and lovingly, as if his touch could heal them. I couldn't look at him. He looked up at me, realizing where they must have come from. "Why?" he stared at me worried, little creases forming across his forehead in an adorable way. When i didn't reply he looked back down at the marks and started stroking again "as much as this scares me, I've never seen anything so beautiful." He said studying my arm, the neat horizontal cuts still fresh and crimson. He smiled weakly at my puzzled expression, eyes still tearful. "It's so dramatic, dark red lines of blood standing out against your white, flawless doll-like skin. Wearing your heartache on your wrists. You're like walking art, everything about you is so beautiful." He cooed softly. The way he spoke seemed to make everything okay. "but..."He gulped hard and tears ran down his face. "I can't stand that you're hurting Ryan. You're everything to me, I need you in one piece. Tell me why?" He looked up at me lovingly, eyes filled with tears, surely this couldn't be the same person as those other nights? "Don't you remember?" I whispered softly. His eyes widened. "Because of me?" he sobbed "How could i make you do something like that?" He kissed my wrist gently. "The things you did..." I began, my voice shaking. "the things you said...You're my heartache." I whispered.

"These bruises..." He began, but stopped short. "How can you not remember?" I shouted angrily, pulling away and backing up, holding my arm defensively, until i was against the wall. He'd hurt me so badly and he didn't even know it. Brendon stood quickly and wrapped his arms around me. I flinched at his movement, making him sob in desperation. "Ryan." He wept, i could feel his broad chest heaving with each cry. Although I was taller than him, i was much skinnier and hunched over in depression, I felt tiny in comparison to his more muscular frame. He had no problem completely enveloping me in his arms. "Please tell me I didn't! I couldn't have!" I stayed silent, burying my tear stained face in the crook of his neck as he clung to me, still sobbing. I wanted to forgive him, tell him it didn't matter, and that i knew he didn't mean it, like i always did, but this was different. So many memories brought back, It made me feel sick. "How could I do this to you? I'm so, so sorry." He was whispering into my neck, stroking my hair. I didn't know how i felt. There was so much unsaid between us. I clung to him like a small child. Brendon cupped my face in his hands, and looked my straight in the eye. His face was stained with tears, and he still looked beautiful. "I care about you more than anything, I promise i'll never hurt you again." I turned away. "But you did. Somany times. How do I know you wont again? How do I know you don't just hate me?" He flinched at the last words, new tears forming in his eyes. "You really feel like that?" He muttered quietly. I nodded still looking away. "Ryan, I could never hate the one I love most." swiftly and quickly he cupped my chin with one hand and tilted my face to his, he planted a warm,soft, salty kiss on my lips. It only lasted a moment, but as his lips left mine and he silently left the room I felt all his sadness passed through it. I wanted him so much more than he realized, and maybe he didn't know what a kiss meant to me, who knows what it was to him, but I knew I couldn't bare to let him go, even if he had hurt me.

I turned around and stood in the door way, watching his dim barely visible figure walk slowly down the hall. "You're just walking away now? You show me one tiny bit of affection and you just go? How is that supposed to prove anything to me?" I called into the darkness. He stopped suddenly and turned on his heel. "Did that summer mean nothing to you?" He shouted impatiently. The sudden loud noise cut through the silence of the night, echoing and bouncing off the walls. His words hung in the air like smoke. This was the first time either of us had mentioned it and it was obvious by his tone that he had been wanting to talk about it for a long time. "What we shared in the ocean, was that not enough proof for you?" he seemed angry though it was mixed with heartbreak. "You didn't even want to talk to me when we got back from the tour. I thought you hated me." He said shakily. There was a long deafening silence. "That was the best time of my life." I whispered, desperate to kiss him again but I didn't dare show it. "Could have fooled me." he swallowed edging cautiously forward, as if what he was he was about to say was difficult, but important to him. "You were so broken," he said quietly, "but i fixed you. We fixed each other. That night...when we forgot the world...what I gave you," his voice shook. "I can't take that back. I don't want to, but...but i thought that would show you, let you know how i feel." Suddenly he looked so fragile, so innocent. He looked hurt and it broke my heart. "I think about it all the time." He whispered, looking down and playing with the edge of his shirt childishly. "You never wanted to talk about it. Did it mean nothing to you?" He looked up, those big tearful eyes burning holes in my skin. "Do...do you want to...forget?" The last word escaped his lips in nothing more than a tremble. If it hadn't been such a still night i don't think i would have heard him. I finally looked up at him, the angry pout quickly vanishing from my face. "I'll understand if you do." He continued not looking up at me, "I'll pretend it never happened." He sniffed, holding back a flood of tears. How could he be so childish and innocent, yet hurt me so badly at the same time?

"You we're the best thing that ever happened to me." I said staring at the ground, arms folded defensively across my chest. I looked up into his eyes. Those fucking beautiful eyes, that could make me do what ever he wanted. They sparkled with tears, but that only made him more beautiful. "Don't you ever take that away from me." I said attempting to stay cool but i could hear my voice wavering. "I never talked to you about it because i was afraid." I admitted. He sniffed again. "Of what?" He asked softly. I could never lie to him. "You i guess. I don't know. It just...it was just so perfect, so beautiful, I was afraid it was a dream. I was afraid you were just experimenting and you didn't care. I didn't want to look stupid in front of you." My arms ached from wanting to hold him. I'd never really been one to make the first move. "Really?" He asked, trying to look in my eyes, but i was busy staring at my feet. "I couldn't lie to you if i wanted to."

We stood there in silence for a while, i'd never wanted something so much in my life as i wanted him to kiss me in that moment. Finally i couldn't take it any longer. "You know, if you tried to kiss me, i wouldn't pull away." I stared into his deep chocolate eyes, my heart racing, and bit my lip. He gulped, looking up at me wide eyed, i heard his breath quicken. He hesitated, almost taking a step towards me, then changing his mind and looking down again. "I can't" he sighed. My heart dropped. "I thought..." I whispered stuttering, blinking back tears. I was suddenly glad it was such a dark night, he couldn't see my wounded expression. Although I hoped he wouldn't, he somehow sensed how i was feeling, like he always did. "oh, Ry.." he whispered. "I didn't mean it like that." He stepped forward until he was so close i could see his face clearly in the dark lighting, and took hold of my arm. "I just...I could never forgive my self for this." he said quietly, rubbing his thumb on my wrist. "I don't deserve you."

Suddenly i was sick of playing it cool all the time. Sick of lying to the truth. "I forgive you." I said slowly. "I forgive you, because you mean everything to me...i forgive you...because...I'm in love with you." His eyes grew even wider. "Ryan...I didn't know..." he whispered. "How could you not know?" I said impatiently. "I've told you a million times. Those songs, Northern Downpour, When the Day met the Night, Behind the Sea? They were all for you." I longed to tell him that from the moment i'd written them. "For me?" He whispered, his voice shaking. "But i always thought Northern Downpour was a love song?" He said quietly. "It is!" I said desperately. "That's what I'm trying to tell you! I love you! I'm shouting it right in your face, after everything you've done to me, and you still don't get it!" His eyes filled up with tears. "Well you didn't notice what i wrote about you either." He said defiantly. "You wrote a song for me?" I gulped, voice shaking. "Two." He looked at me, studying my expressions "What do you think 'Folkin' around' was about?" I looked at him blankly. "For fucks sake one of them was called 'I have friends in holy spaces' how much more obvious can you get?" I giggled a little, finally getting what that meant. "The point is, it's not like I'm the only one who has been oblivious to how you feel."

We stood there in silence again. My brain buzzing with the lyrics to 'Folkin' around', trying to decode it. I came to the conclusion that I must have hurt him and that he'd take me back, but he wasn't going to try if i couldn't be bothered. 'I'm putting out the lantern find your own way back home'. Him being so close and not touching me was too much to bare. He stared into my eyes softly, his chest almost touching mine with every breath. I bit my lip, gently wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him in close. "I can feel every inch of you pressed up against me, and thats how i always want it to be from now on." I muttered softly into his ear. "What are you doing?" He asked whispering. "Finding my own way back home." I smiled. I felt his heart race against my own, as i lent in, hesitating for a moment, my lips so close to his i could feel him smile. I was never any good at making the first move. He leaned in closing the gap between us, playfully nibbling my bottom lip. "I'll never put out the lantern" he whispered softly. "You're good at speaking in tounges, but I'd rather have yours in my mouth." I muttered cheekily.


End file.
